Fear not, for there is a bug behind you.

I consider myself a grown woman.  Most days.  At thirty years old, I have a home (with mortgage), a husband, and two sweet children.  I’m a mother, teacher, wife.  But I’ve got to say: there are seriously some things that turn me right back into a little girl again.

I know everyone has the fears you’re “supposed” to have.  Yes, I worry that my children will be hurt or get sick, that my husband will get sick, that a drunk driver will randomly hit us, that our house could burn down.  The stuff of nightmares that everyone fears.

But here’s this:  you can’t fear that stuff ALL the time.  They are not immediate fears, that you can see or feel or even do anything about.  I don’t wake up every day with my heart racing because possibly today my house will burn down.  I mean…could it?  Well yeah.  But do I live in constant agonizing fear?  Well no.

But two things I seriously fear?  Things with too many legs and things with too many feet. (the measurement feet)

Today I was sitting at my desk, type-typing away, when another teacher walked in to talk with me.  Suddenly she backed up and called “Aaron! Get over here!”  (I share a room with two other teachers.  Now is not the time to get into that.)  Anyways…the tone of her voice said one thing to me as clear as day…

giant bug

Oh don’t tell me you’ve never heard that tone before.  Come on.

Turns out there was one of these right behind my computer monitor:

Just googling this gave me the freakin' willies. It's LOOKING at me.

I used to think my main fear was spiders.  Today I affirmed that my fear is kind of all-encompassing of things with too many damn legs.

And that careful, professional reputation I try to cultivate with my students?  The one where I am approachable and friendly but also an authority figure?  Haha yeah.  I shoved my chair as far away from my desk as it would go and yelled “OHMIGOD.”  Yay, professionalism!

I don’t understand.  My brain is awesome.  I remember things other people forget, I speed read, analyze and look at things logically.  Most people consider me smart.  Why in God’s name does this make me completely irrational?

Aren't little tiny things supposed to be CUTE?!

I mean this, I can understand:

Screw it. Just burn the whole city to the ground.

What really gets me is that after I see one spider, (or hairy, freaky looking bug) I’m just done for the day.  My brain sees them everywhere.  Like once it is reminded that gross bugs exist, it suddenly goes all hyper-spider-crazy.  Honest to God…I walked out of work afraid to put my hands in my coat pockets because What if there’s a centipede in there?

How is that rational thought from an adult?  And the answer is: it is not.

But my irrationality hits all new levels when I encounter heights.  Spiders give me the willies.  But I can kill them.  Or at least walk (ok, RUN) away.

Heights leave me breath short, heart racing, panic attack terrified.  To my knowledge, I have no childhood trauma to explain this away.  I am just nuts, people.  Nuts-o.

And the weirdest part is that I know it’s totally stupid.  And I can totally deal with being like thirty floors up.  As long as no one TELLS me I’m thirty floors up.  Or thirty feet.

Yeah.  Thirty feet.  I’m that lame.

You see, I’m fine as long as there is not a ledge or open space to tell me how high up I am.  But put me near a drop or even a high window and I’m done.  Seriously.  I need to be on the far side of the room from any view of a drop higher than, like, five feet.

I'm not even kidding when I say that this picture legitimately makes me nervous.

I cannot for the life of me convince my brain that I am not going to fall.  My brain can believe in complex teaching concepts, landmarks it has never seen, imaginary numbers in math for crying out loud, but it will not believe that I am not going to fall from a height.

I don’t get it.  My brain.  It is dumb.

And.  AND!  Here’s the most classic example. (And the most annoying.)

I can’t climb water slide steps.

You see, they always have gaps between each step, and often holes IN the steps to let water drain.  My brain can totally notice that I am going up.  So I can’t do it.

Never going to happen. It makes me sad. I like waterslides!

The biggest kicker of all is that I can’t convince my brain to believe I won’t fall off these steps, but it easily accepts that my fat butt could what?  Squeeze through one of those tiny openings?

What are YOU afraid of?  Tell me I’m not alone in my irrational craziness!!  Better yet, tell me you have a cure.  Or that you killed all the spiders and walled off all the water slide steps.

 

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I Promise I Am Not Missing In Action, Nor Have I Fled the Country

I have not forgotten that I have a blog.  Promise.  But life, it happens.  Can’t help that much!  March Madness, indeed, although it has nothing to do with basketball.  Actually, I don’t give a rat’s hind end about basketball.

Anyways, here’s the update, mixed in with a few stories, happy, sad, and otherwise.  I try to write every week, sorry for the epic fail on that part lately!  When I write posts like these, I type a quick list of things I want to mention so I don’t forget anything.  And since bullets won’t cut it, I left the list as headings.  Aren’t you lucky?

Grad school

I’m going back to graduate school.  I cannot decide if I’m excited or scared to death, really.  College wasn’t exactly “hard” for me-school never really has been-I love learning and I’m what some people call smart, I guess.  But then in college I didn’t have a career and two small children.  I did, however, have a spouse and a full-time job, and most undergrad students didn’t have those and still got crummy grades, while I got good ones.  So I guess maybe things will pan out?

I’m going to get my “Master of Arts in Educational Curriculum and Instruction, focusing on Talent Development Education.”  Holy crap if that isn’t a mouthful.  Basically it means that a) I can collect from the Master’s step payscale in my district and b) I can teach gifted kids.  People say I’m crazy for wanting to teach gifted kids, but I think it just takes a special person.  Also?  I was one.  So I understand the inherent weirdness.

Grandpa

In early March my husband lost his paternal grandfather.  He was a fantastic, wonderful man.  He was magnificent to Kirk throughout his life, and he welcomed me into the family with open arms.  The great granddaughters we gave him brought him tons of joy, and I know he’ll be a great guardian angel for them.  He was a man that treated everyone kindly and smiled all the time.  There aren’t many like him these days, and he will be so greatly missed.  Rest in peace and with love, Grandpa H.

Baby

Sometime in the next year, we are planning another baby.  There are days when my daughters have the screaming tantrums and I think “No way could I handle three.”  Fortunately, those days are few and far between and most days I just want a third child to love.  I think it will be vastly different from the first two-Corinne was the first, so she was the only kiddo to juggle for a while (Which is good-turns out there’s quite the learning curve on babies.  Who knew?)

Ashlynn came along when Corinne was 2 1/2, so we had a baby and a toddler, which was…interesting.  By the time this baby comes along, Corinne will be 6 (6!) and in kindergarten and Ashlynn will be almost four and in preschool.  Quite the difference!  Of course, this all depends on the timing of things.  Although sometimes I worry that maybe Ashlynn and baby #3 will be too far apart…hmmmm.  For now we are just enjoying the lack of diapering occurring in our house.

Spider Fell on me

Yep.  Yesterday a spider fell on me.  I opened our garage door and when I walked in to get the wagon, a spider freaking FELL ON ME.  FROM THE CEILING.  ONTO ME.  So since yesterday at about five o’clock, every time a hair touches me or my clothes fall weird I turn into a ninja and attempt to jump out of my own clothing.  It’s happened like six times since I started typing this.  Hardy har.

Poop story

Well with that little header I’ll just bet you are excited to read this.  Ashlynn hasn’t shown up on here as having as many hilarious conversations as Corinne, but trust me-they are happening more and more frequently.  And the potty training hasn’t helped.  (I was kind of hoping to avoid the obsessed-with-potty-humor phase since I have girls, but this is not to be so.)

Ashlynn: (from the bathroom) Mom, I’m done, come help me wipe!

Me: Coming!

Ashlynn: And don’t use your finger!

Me: <gags> Ew!  WHAT?!  I am not going to use my finger!

Ashlynn: And don’t eat it.

Me:   Ashlynn Cari, don’t SAY things like that!!

Game of Thrones

Well gah.  How can Game of Thrones be exciting after that poo story?  Believe it or not, it can be.  Someone told me the show is good, and since AT&T screwed up our bill, we have free HBO so woohoo!  And it IS a good show.  But more importantly, it’s based on books!  Books, people!  3,188 pages in the first four volumes alone!  So good, thick, fat, juicy books!  Yeehaw!  I cannot wait to begin this series as a reader.  Although I must admit it totally goes against the grain to read after watching.  So I’m excited for the books to fill in the gaps from the show.

Yes, I promise to blog again before I finish the series.  Gah.  What?  You think I’m blog delinquent or something?