Kids are the Comedians of Life

Can I just be honest for a minute and say that it took me a second to remember the site to type in for my blog?  Probably because my phone has the wordpress app and has made me totally lazy, but mostly because I have not blogged in about forever.  However.  At least a few of you stalk me on facebook so you probably know that I am done with grad school until mid-January-since I posted about being done-very loudly-several times-but that means that now I have much less of an excuse to not blog.  Plus, I missed y’all!  Aww, feel the love and crap.

Anyways, my children-both born and unborn- are a total hoot lately.  Corinne and Ashlynn had their toddler beds both moved into the same bedroom a few days ago as prep for the coming baby, and it was nothing if not memorable.

First Corinne happily advised that we should put the infant in the bushes, on the roof, or in the tiny alcove we call the attic.  She helpfully added that we could cut a window out of the wall for it if we wanted.  Or not.  She didn’t really care, she just didn’t want anyone to touch her stuff.

We decided to do this move now because they are getting bunk beds in December and a sibling in April, and I am so not throwing all that junk at them at once or it will be Kidmaggeddon 2013.

So anyways, moving furniture was fun.  And finding long-lost toys stuffed in cracks behind furniture was super-duper fun.  Also Corinne had like eight rolls of tape in various crevices of her art desk.  Which, what the hell, you know?

So we moved their stuff and rearranged and asked them to put at least some of their millions of toys into a bag for less fortunate kids, and at the end there were like two McDonald’s toys and a used tissue in there because Hey! Generosity!

So there was much joy and jumping on each other’s beds and celebrating.  And then exactly seven minutes later (I looked at the clock) Corinne comes flying out screaming that Ashlynn was touching her stuff and she DID NOT WANT TO SHARE A ROOM OMG NEV-AH!!  Haha too bad.  I am five months pregnant and only move furniture once a day so there.  Also they totally got over it and are doing just fine.  Although I did hear mutinous mutterings of “my side” and “your side,” but all I could think was that made a damn good I Love Lucy episode, so if a reenactment occurs I will probably become parent of the year and just laugh the whole freaking time.

Yay!

Ashlynn has seriously been coming into her own on the whole sense of humor thing, too!  The other day we were watching a movie and the villain got all bitchy and Ashlynn looked at me and said “MAN, does she need a nap!”  Because my kid is awesome that way.

Corinne has decided to try to get her misdeeds done by telling Ashlynn to do them.  So she will whisper something for her to do.  But here’s the thing-she totally sucks at whispering.  Really.  Like I will be in the kitchen and hear her say “HEY ASHLYNN TOUCH THE TV WITH YOUR SUCKER.”  At volume ten.  Because she seems to think if she puts her hand next to her mouth, it makes her whisper?  I guess?  So then I have to tell her I heard her and to cut the crap, and she’s all like “How did you EVER hear me?”  And to set myself up for the teen years I see coming, I tell her that mothers hear everything and there is nowhere to hide.  Ha!

The unborn child is behaving as well as can be expected.  We are about half done baking our bun, as I will be twenty weeks on Monday woohoo!  I get lots of punches and bops and kicks now, and the other day Kirk had his arm across me and it got him good so he told it it was grounded for the next twenty weeks.  But still with the barfiness.  The thing is, I can go two or three days now and be fine but just when I think maybe I am over it, my body is like “Hahaha no way GAG at everything!”

I am just super happy to have an ultrasound on Monday and stop calling it “it.” Gah, I cannot stand that.  Although seriously, major pressure from all quarters to have a boy, what with the two girls and all.  To which I say tough, it will be what it will be and that was decided long before we even knew we were pregnant.

So, the gender announcement.  I want to do something special for this child, because I have seriously dropped the mom ball on this pregnancy.  With the first two I had a little pregnancy calendar that counted down the days and you’d put little stickers on for doctor appointments and stuff.  Well, they don’t sell them anymore so that’s kind of out of my hands.  But I also took a picture every month with the girls and I have a grand total of one for this pregnancy so far.  Ooops.  (Although to some people I am apparently too thin-such as the girl from my grad class that felt the need to inform me that I really should follow doctor’s orders and eat more-what-the-ever-loving-hell?)

So I thought…hey!  Gender announcement and Christmas cards!  And I think I may have been the only person to ever think of this because Google seriously let me down and now I am disillusioned.  It gave me this:

Um, no?

So, I dunno.  I want to do something with maybe a belly shot and a blue or pink ribbon or possibly a blue or pink onesie.  Maybe with a “Do Not Open Until April 2013” tag or something?  I dunno.  There’s a really fine line here between sweet and cheesy.  So if you have any ideas, let me know!

June Fan-dom

This summer so far has been crazy in so many ways.  Crazy fun.  Crazy hot.  Crazy busy.  And I am loving every second of it!  I am not sure exactly where the month of June went, but it is gone.  So it is time for my June Fan-dom post, and let’s just say that I’ve been having lots of fun so it is a long list!  But fun!  Promise!

Garage Sales

One of my consistent efforts to avoid becoming a hoarder buried in her own junk is to have a garage sale every other year or so.  I need  a bumper sticker that says “Teachers-we are all hoarders.  We just do it at work!”  Since I am moving classrooms again, I got rid of tons of stuff.  My teacher friends cautioned me…”You should keep that!  You never know when you will need it!”  And then I had to inform them that if I kept all my stuff I would probably have to begin living in my own back yard.  And so.  Garage Sale!  I cleared myself a little over $400.  Woohoo!  And I cannot say enough about how a well-organized, well-done sale brings in SO many more people than just boxes o’crap.  Unlike what I talked about in this post.

What the HELL?!?!

Summer Vacation (Duh)

I love my job.  If you’ve read this blog with any kind of regularity, you know that.  But I also freakin’ ADORE having summers off.  I never plan to work another summer in my life.  Nope I don’t.  Be jealous.  I don’t care!  Summers off! Lalalalala!

Mr. Sun says, “Neener neener!” Mr. Sun is such a jerk. I would never say that.

Great Escape Theatres

I love this theatre because every summer they offer free kids’ movies two days a week.  My children love going to the movies.  But they also love: demanding popcorn, dropping popcorn, slurping drinks, rattling candy wrappers, learning how to smuggle snacks from Mommy, asking loud questions, spilling popcorn, kicking the seat in front of them, and visiting the bathroom forty-five times.  Oh, and they also enjoy getting bored and leaving halfway through.  At least free movies at Great Escape give them the novelty without having to pay $8 a pop! (Also, I sit far away from other patrons-no worries)

That was not my kids. I swear.

Neapolitan Cupcakes

Oh my God people, these are possibly the best.thing.ever.  Buy a box of brownie mix.  Mix it.  Buy a box of strawberry cake mix.  Mix it. Buy a can of vanilla frosting. (Ok, buy all three at once and save yourself some gas.  Let’s not be stupid.)  Put about a heaping tablespoon of the brownie batter in the bottom of the cupcake wrapper, fill the rest until 2/3 full with strawberry cake batter.  Bake according to cake mix temperature for 22 minutes.  Ice.  Die of happiness and joy.  Seriously.  Since the brownies’ cook temperature is just a bit different, they stay just a tiny bit gooey, making this the most moist cupcake ever.  And it tastes just like Neapolitan ice cream!  Mmmmmmm

My Fingernails

They are long and gorgeous!  I posted my promise to stop biting way back when and I was an abysmal failure.  That’s right.  Abysmal.  Look it up.  Anyways, I stopped biting them on May 2!  Hooray!  And I just went cold turkey, too.  No potions or lotions or unctions.  Just stopped.  Don’t ask me how.  Maybe thirty years and four months and two days was my body’s cut off?

100% Natural, Organic and Home Grown

My New Laptop!

My husband bought me a laptop to use for grad school!  He is awesome.  But you knew that from here and here and here and even here. Man, I must really love that guy! 🙂  It is an ASUS.  I do not really know what that means, but it works and does the things I want, so I’m good.

Aw. Look how my laptop is a nerd like me. It was meant to be.

Bare Minerals

Y’all, I am the antithesis of a girly girl.  I hate purse shopping.  Clothes and fashion are not my thing.  My husband cringes when I mention shoe shopping because he knows I am sure to end up pissy because I hate it.  (Mostly because I am freakishly tall and they don’t make cute shoes bigger than a size 8.  Which I do not wear.)  And, until recently, make-up was only two things for me. 1) A thing to think up an excuse to skip doing or 2) A necessary evil.  If I’m going to spend an extra ten minutes doing anything in the morning, it’s going to be sleeping.  BUT.  Then I was introduced to Bare Minerals.  So awesome.  So easy.  And my favorite part is that it really doesn’t look (or feel) like you are wearing make-up.  It’s just light and natural and now I sound like a stupid infomercial probably so I will shut up.  A little pricey?  Yes.  But worth every cent in my opinion.  Oh, and I got mine at The Hair Shoppe-they do free consultations and demos with no pressure sales!

You do NOT need all that junk. But you’ll want it.

31 and Miche

Yes, yes, I know I wrote a whole hilarious and memorable post (well, I think so, anyways) back here about these parties that people invite you to only to demand you whip out your checkbook.  And I am still pretty much against them because in general I believe they promote sales through guilt.  Which is lame and icky.  But I am not against buying the products themselves.  I see it like this:  It’s the difference between going to Target because I need to get something, and being forcibly locked into Target until I buy something goddamnitall!  I went to these parties because I desired their stuff.  Mucho desired.  I think Thirty-One has fantastic, cute stuff that is worth the value they are asking.  I think Miche will allow me to switch bags without switching my gobs of purse-crap, and I am all for that.

Oh, I am SO going to put all my junk up in that junk.

But no.  Do not invite me to all your parties and expect me to come.  And yes, there are some of these parties that still blatantly over-price and rip people off.

———

Happy July!  Also, I have found some absolutely FANTASTIC teacher web-sites and resources.  But this post is already too long so that will be a new post! Super soon! 🙂

The Good Day

Shhhh…

Don’t say it too loudly, but Northeast Ohio has been giving us some fantastic weather lately.

Yeah, I probably just jinxed us.  It will probably snow 4 inches overnight.

(Not 6 inches.  That would give us a snow day, and Ohio doesn’t work like that.)

Never underestimate the chances of “More Winter” invading “Road Construction”

So anyways, awesome weather means that it has just been…great.

Today was such a good day.  It wasn’t spectacular or amazing or out of the ordinary.  It was just deliciously, deeply good.

I got a large task done at work that I’ve been tackling for a while.

I came home to hugs from my hubby and my children.  My husband watched the kids while I took a short nap.  (Naps are fantastic…but I always feel guilty for taking them.  Am I the only one?  Yeah?  Fine then.)  On the negative side, I thought of an excellent Facebook status as I dozed off…then I forgot it.  Wisdom lost for all time, folks.

After my nap we played and did art together and practiced Corinne’s letter cards.  We read some stories.  We watched some Scooby Doo.

For dinner I made one of our favorites, Brunswick stew.  For once, the girls were happily occupied in their own toy kitchen and did not attempt to fall in the soup/add toys to the pot/drop bar stools on my feet.  I also made some ranch snack crackers. SO addicting.  Those crackers turned out to be all Ashlynn ate for dinner, but whatever, you know?  She’s not going to starve to death.  She’ll just be…ranchy, I guess?

And she’ll have great views and horses and invite mom to come for vacation every winter…oh sorry. Got distracted.

After dinner we grabbed popsicles and played outside until dusk fell.  We came in and did the pajama routine, then we started Stuart Little.  The girls saw the movie and fell in love, and bibliophile that I am, I couldn’t let it go at that.  A) I’ve been dying to start reading them chapter books, and B) They did a truly awful job with that movie.

Hugs and kisses and the girls were in bed, on time, and with a minimum of excuses to get up and whining.

(I swear, the other night Ashlynn got up FOUR TIMES to ask me if I was going to feed her breakfast the next morning.  I know sarcasm is lost on young children, but I was finally like “What?! Do you think I would suddenly and randomly decide that tomorrow is the first day in your life I would cancel breakfast?!  TO SLEEP!!!!  GO!!!”)

Also the dog stalked neighbors out the window while totally missing the squirrel two feet from the house that was making faces at him.  Thank God we have an electronic security system.

Now it’s time for a bath and a book and probably some brain-rotting tv.  Hopefully no insomnia, as my pre-interview jitters have turned into “the million things I want to do with my class next year” ideas and I’ve been running on fumes the past week.

My husband will be home soon.  I love and miss him and we’ll probably curl up on the couch together.  What was that noise?  Did you hear that?  It sounded like gagging.  Oh well.  Must be imagining things.

Ooooo, and it sounds like there’s a thunderstorm coming!  I sleep best with rain pouring down!

Who needs TV?

There you go.  My good day.  Deliciously, happily good. What makes your days good?  I know you’re out there, readers!  Comment and share!

 

Excuses. I am bad at them.

You gotta love some people with new babies and/or first pregnancies.  Cuz they have weird ideas.  And I probably had the exact same weird ideas.  But now I know better.  Like this whole “my baby needs all new stuff” mentality.  Hardy har.

The first time you lay out $25 bucks on an outfit that uses 1/4  yard of fabric…and then your kid barfs orange on it the first time it gets worn, your tune will change.  Promise.

Not all people have this mentality.  Which is awesome.  Me, I’m a bargain hunting momma.  Garage sales, resale shops, I’m all over it.

Because I know one thing…whether I spent $2 or $20 on an outfit, there are only two options….

A) They will stain it.

B) They will not stain it, but they will grow out of it.

So thank you, I would rather spend the $2.  Obie-kaybee.

I was not aware there was a soapbox there…but I think I just got off it.

Anyways…

Consignment sales.  I love’em.  A local church has them twice per year, and at first I was a buyer…then a volunteer…then a consignor…and now I’m usually all three.  (The addiction-it grows.)  It’s seriously like visiting 40 garage sales in one pop.

Here’s the one that I use. For those of you living in northeast Ohio.

Plus, it’s like having your own garage sale only not as much work.  You type up tags on the computer, pin them to your stuff, drop it off, volunteer (if you want), pick up the leftovers, and get a check in the mail a week later.  I love it.

I also spend approximately the same amount I make.  But whatever.  So in reality all this is leading up to the fact that my excuse for not blogging lately is that I have been working on consignment sale stuff.

In other news:

Life, it is exciting.  There is a full-time spot open in my district and I should be interviewing for it sometime next week.  Looks like I have a good shot.  If I can get it, it will make all the difference in the world for my family. (No pressure.)  Plus, it is a gifted teaching spot, which was kind of always my end goal, I just never imagined it would be a possibility in my 5th year of teaching.  (Districts usually only have 2-3 gifted teachers, so spots are pretty rare.)

I get weird looks from some people and most teachers when I tell them I want to teach gifted.  The general idea is that it is much like herding cats…but then I taught preschool for 10 years…so herding cats I can handle.  Plus, I was a weird little gifted kid myself.  So I get it.

I had a rough week when I registered Ashlynn for preschool and Corinne for kindergarten.  My babies are growing up!  I need a new one! Pronto!  Ashlynn’s preschool is lottery drawn.  We didn’t win that big $600 million lottery (possibly because we didn’t play?) so I’m thinking that should improve our chances..right?  Statistics aren’t my strong point.

My children are currently addicted to Barbies and Skylanders, but that is a whole new post in itself.  Let it be said that I am THE PortalMaster, and we’ll leave it at that for now.

Let me leave you with this conversation…as it is possibly the best one I have ever heard, and seriously, we all need a good laugh.

(I was in the living room, I overheard all this from the kitchen where my husband was cooking dinner while the girls watched/helped.)

Kirk: Shit.

Corinne: Daddy, why did you say shit?

Kirk:  Don’t say shit!  It’s a bad word!

Ashlynn:  Hey Daddy!  Dammit is a bad word, too!!

Kirk: STOP SAYING BAD WORDS.

I laughed my ass off.  (Oops, ass is a bad word, too.)

Beware the Bar Stool

Most of the women I know worry at least a little bit about what having a kid will do to their body.  Stretch marks and saggy boobs-maybe….even extra baby weight or new flat feet.

Nobody tells you that long after that kid is born, there is still every possibility they will do you injury…dundunDUN!

And now you totally know where this post is going, because my flair for the dramatic was used up in like…10th grade.

The other night I was cooking dinner.  We have a bar in our kitchen that oddly enough, we rarely use for drinking.  It has three bar stools:

The culprit-except ours has tooth marks from the dog.

Lately, the girls have loved watching me cook, and they each drag over a bar stool to perch on so they can see me add ingredients and stir and stuff.   Stools the perfect height for adults at the bar are the perfect height for the girls at the counter.

But, if I start using the front burners, they have to move.  I just have horrific visions of them accidentally putting a hand in boiling water or touching a hot pot when I’m not looking.  (When you are a mom, you, too, will have such horrific visions!  Hooray!)

I told Ashlynn to move.  She did.  I told Corinne to move.  She refused.  The upside to have young(er) children is that if they won’t go where you tell them to, you can pick them up and just put them where you want them.

Usually.

I picked Corinne up, and she wrapped her feet through the rungs of the stool.  It’s heavy, so it only came with her about two feet.  Then she let go and it fell….

…and the edge of the heavy circular top landed directly.on.top.my.left.foot.

I managed not to swear!  Barely.

Corinne’s first words were…”That was all your fault Mom!”

I was uninterested in whose fault it was.  I was more interested in the pain in my foot.  I swore I had heard something crunch, but it was the first day of spring break and I was NOT breaking a bone in my foot.  SO THERE.

So I finished cooking dinner.  And I cleaned and organized our lazy susan.

Then I started to get dizzy and shaky and light-headed.  I’ve broken a bone before (my other foot), and I was 90% sure I was recognizing symptoms.  Crap.

Called my mom to watch the kids.  Called my husband to come home from work.  Felt stupid causing everyone a fuss. (The calling was an adventure in itself…because my family all owns cell phones but uses them as doorstops?  Or something? )

On our trip to the ER, I realized that I had last been at the hospital in June 2009 to have my daughter.  So I guess that’s not a bad track record.

X-rays and an Ace wrap later, I was discharged with a “serious contusion” (read: big ol’ bruise).  I was totally embarrassed that I had gone to the hospital and wasted medical professionals’ time for a bruise.  I became less embarrassed when I realized a bruise like this can hurt just as much as a broken bone.

So now my husband calls me gimpy.  Sigh.

And the moral of the story: Watch out for falling bar stools.

Or: If you’re going to get injured by a bar stool, it is more fun when you’re drunk.

Or:  I almost gave a whole new meaning to spring “break.”

Ok.  I’m done now.

WeatherMom

So we have a lot of interesting conversations in my house.  The kids ask the weirdest questions and they usually won’t take “I don’t know” as an answer.  Sometimes I just know the answer, sometimes we look it up together, and sometimes we get into a hilarious debate…

For this conversation to be best read, imagine Corinne getting more and more angry while I answer at my most droll and didactic.

Corinne:  Mom!  The clouds are covering up the sun!

Me: Yup.

Corinne: But I wanted it to be a beautiful day!  Now there’s clouds out there!

Me:  And what would you like me to do?

Corinne:  Well, fix the weather!

Me:  I don’t control the weather, Corinne.

Corinne: Then get a job!

Me:  What?  I have a job.  I’m a teacher.

Corinne: Well get a job to be on TV and control the weather!

Me: You mean the weatherman? Corinne, the weatherman on TV tells us what the weather might be.  He doesn’t control it.  God controls the weather.

Corinne:  No he doesn’t.  The men on TV do.  They stand in front of a map and everything.

Me:  No, Corinne, God controls the weather.

Corinne:  Well then tell God I want it to be a sunny day!!!

This is where I pretty much gave up on the conversation.  I guess it’s kind of cool that my kid thinks I am so awesome that I control the weather.  Although it’s uncool that she thinks I need to “get a job!” And this isn’t the first time Corinne has accused me of abusing the direct line to God she suspects I have.

What Is It About Walgreens?

Walgreens. The pharmacy where hilarious crap happens.

Why do all the funny things happen to me at Walgreens?  Like in this post.  What is it about this store that makes weird things happen? 

Ok, so on that note, I have to say that global warming, while destroying our Earth…kind of…you know…rocks. (Sorry-but 57 degrees on Feb. 1st?  In OHIO?)

But! My sinuses.  They do not rock along with the freezing one day, warm the next.  Not so much really.  Thank God I live in 2012 and can go register myself with the government so they can investigate me for having a meth lab while I medicate my sinuses.  Life is good.

So.  I pushed my headache to the background and took the girls on a walk to our local Walgreens.  They were so thrilled to be outside.  I don’t think they would have cared where we were going.

While at Walgreens, we took a look at the birthday stuff.  Ashlynn, who is two, picked out a card that said “Happy 4th Birthday!” and whined when I told her she’ll only be three.  Corinne, who is four, picked out a card that said “Happy First Birthday!” and threatened some form of violence if it did not appear at her party in two weeks.  Sigh.

(Also?  Awesome Rapunzel party in the planning…future post for sure!  And now back to our blog…)

While on the topic of her party, Corinne informed me that she wants a surprise party.  I informed her she had picked the theme and helped me send the invitations.  She also had a countdown on the calendar to the day and time of her party, so she would not be surprised, really.  And that’s when she pulled me down and whispered in my ear:

“Mom, it’s ok if you tell ME.  It’s a surprise party if you don’t tell anyone else.”

I had to walk away from that one.  I was laughing too hard.  Because that would be a fantastic damn party.

And that’s when we rounded the corner and Ashlynn saw a huge poster of Justin Beiber.  And pointed at it and yelled:

“Look Mom!  It’s Steve from Blues Clues!”

Oh God.  I died.

So we managed to make it back to the pharmacy without any incident, and I clicked the little green button agreeing to not use my pseudphenedrine to make meth. And I seriously considered what would happen if I clicked the no button.  Just for shits and giggles.

On the way out, I got the girls each a box of those little conversation hearts.  I told them how each heart has a special message on it, like “I love you” or “2 Cute.”  They were super excited to open them and see!

The first heart Corinne pulled out?

Yeah.

It said “Jump Me!”

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