Control Yourself

I cannot.  I simply can’t keep my mouth shut.  I just have to say something about the total ridiculousness that is going on here.

Hashtags.  There’s a way to use them and a way to not, and I gotta open my big mouth and clear this up for the people who apparently have no idea what they are doing. Which is, specifically, bugging the hell out of most of us.  It’s got to stop or you’re all gonna get smacked.

First of all, this is a pound symbol-#  Maybe I’m an old and ancient relic, but when I see that symbol, my old fashioned brain reads it as “pound.”  So type #Jimmy under your boyfriend’s picture, all I hear is “Pound Jimmy.”  Now why would you pound Jimmy?  Jimmy seems like a nice guy.  I mean, he hangs out with you despite your blatant abuse of pound signs, doesn’t he?  Don’t pound Jimmy.

Speaking of reading, did you know your brain automatically reads punctuation?  It treats a comma, period, or other mark as basically another word.  This is how you pace yourself and hear yourself read in your head.

So-do you? know how# hard it, is to read a sentence! peppered (with inappropriate) punctuation?

If you do that crap, I’m seriously not reading your stuff.  I’m passing by and laughing, yes.  It makes you seem silly and kind of uneducated.  But actually reading it?  Nope.

Oh, and speaking of uneducated, hashtags shouldn’t be your excuse to say something without using spaces, periods, or apostrophes.  No one wants to try to read something that says:


Honest to GOD, there is a very good reason we use spaces in our language.  My second grade teacher explained this to me when I wrote my first cursive sentence and joined all the words by accident.  You know, when I was eight.  I guess I can ask her to email you if you’re confused.

Also, on Facebook, hashtags still pretty much mean nothing.  And people are like, “I use them to sort my Instagram pictures!”  Cool, cool.  I’m ok with that.  Can you show me the album of pictures you have labeled #thisissosweetIlaughedmybuttoff?  Are you going to tell me you have an album full of pictures called that?  Also, if you are sorting pictures, why do you have five different hashtags?  Does a copy of your picture of a glass of wine go into all of the following albums? #wine #gettinmydrinkon #wineywhiny #fiveoclocknowhere #soboredItookapicofwineandpostedit    If so, why did you need five different copies of your wine glass picture?  Couldn’t you just have an album called #wine?

And that, I guess, is what truly gets me.  Hashtags are/were originally intended to allow people to search for stuff.  Say you like tigers.  You get on Twitter and search #tigers.  And tweets with #tigers in it come up for you to see.  (Still hearing “pound tigers,” by the way.  Please don’t pound tigers.  They’re endangered, ya know.)  To me, this makes total sense.  I honestly wish Facebook did this.  Like when I had my baby, there were like 30 people taking pictures of him.  I wish I could have searched for #baby and had all his pictures in one place.  Sweet.

However.  Search terms have to be kind of specific or they don’t work.  So no, if you hashtag your tiger picture as #stripeykittywillbiteoffyourfaceforpoundingit, odds are, no one else will ever search for that ever.  Ever ever.

See, most hashtags are really not sorting.  Not search terms.  Commentary.  They’re commentary.  Don’t get me wrong.  I love commentary.  But friends, just make it commentary.  Say what you want to say.  We’ll read it.  Much more readily than #ihaveacommentiwantoshare or #hereiswhereitalkaboutcrap.

Still lost?  Check out these examples!  Made by me!  With 100% all-American snark!

Picture One: Cute Kitty!


DO: Look at this adorable picture I found!  I really love kittens!  And the ducks just make it cuter! #kittens

DON’T: OMG Look at this #ilovekittens #ducksareawesome #ifyoutookthispictureirippeditoff

Picture Two: Food


DO:  I tried a new recipe tonight and it tasted just like KFC!  It was delicious!  #recipes

DON’T: Fried chicken!! #friedchicken #cloggedarteries #iatethisandyoudidntneenerneener #heartburnsucks

Picture Three:  Family Member Pics


DO:  Here is my kid Gwenevere!  She is so cute when she plays with her toys!  Maybe she’ll grow up to be like Mommy! #Gwenevere

DON’T: #lovethiskid #blonde #cuterthanyourkid #adorable #cute #sweet #chubby #blonde #blueeyes #tentoes #twoears #purpleheadband #spottedshirt #greenpopsicle #youshouldunfriendmenow

So there you have it.



1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Anon
    Jul 08, 2013 @ 01:10:53

    #omg #soright #readmymind I’ve had it with these people!! THEN there are those that I SWEAR do it just to annoy everyone else. On purpose!!!


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